Tuesday, November 14, 2006

My Interview with Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

A special Thank you to all my staff for making this interview possible on such short notice. I know I can be difficult at times, but you all made this possible and I thank you.

Date 11-13-06 8:30pm EST.

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad enters the room and sits down across from me. We are at my home residence just 77 miles outside of Washington DC.

Mark: Welcome Mr. President, do I call you Mr. President or should I call you something else?

Ahmadinejad: What is that I smell? are you cooking here?

Mark: Ahh, I am not sure, 'hey honey! are you cooking something in the kitchen?"

inaduible screams from my wife. I think she said "what?!".

Ahmadinejad: Your house is very nice. Do all American live like this?

Mark: Humm, Man , I hope not! We are pretty ordinary folks Mr. President. But were pretty happy with what we have.

Ahmadinejad: So, why do you Americans and the Bush Devil hate my country so much?

Mark: You have said that Israel no longer had any reason to exist and would soon disappear. Your exact words, and I quote 'This regime, thanks to God, has lost the reason for its existence.'

Ahmadinejad: Is that a picture of Dolly Parton on your wall?

Mark: ahh, No. You also called Israeli leaders a "group of terrorists" . Why?

Ahmadinejad: I believe Dolly Parton's breast are an act of revenge against her husband! The whole world knows that the U.S. and Britain are enemies of the Iranian nation!

Mark: ok, but what about..

Ahmadinejad: No woman should bare her breasts in that manner! ever! Where did you get that picture? Please tell me where I may find one.

Mark: What picture?

Ahmadinejad: Do you mind if I smoke?

Mark: Well, I would prefer you didn't, maybe we could..

Ahmadinejad: Thank you.

Mark: ok, I guess you can smoke. You have said the Nazis' slaughter of 6 million Jews during World War II was a myth, and that Israel should be wiped off the map or moved to Germany or the United States. Do you really believe this?

Ahmadinejad: Tell me, where would a man like me meet someone like Britany Spears? Near here? I could make her happy woman, like no other man could.

Mark: Well then, ok. I suppose Hollywood.

Ahmadinejad: The Zionists and their protectors are the most detested people in all of humanity, and the hatred is increasing every day!

Mark: Who? people in Hollywood?

Ahmadinejad: The worse their crimes, the quicker they will fall!

Mark: What are we talking about here?

Ahmadinejad: I believe the German people are prisoners of the Holocaust. More than 60 million were killed in World War II . . . The question is: Why is it that only the Jews are at the center of attention

Mark: are you kidding me?

Ahmadinejad: Do you know Britney Spears?

Mark: no, not personally. Can we..

Ahmadinejad: Although the main solution is for the elimination of the Zionist regime, at this stage an immediate cease-fire must be implemented!

Mark: Alrighty then. Thank you for your time. I appreciate it.

Ahmadinejad: Can I have a Coke a Cola?

Mark: I have beer. Would you like a beer?

Ahmadinejad: the most detested people in all humanity

Mark: Who me? or the beer?

Ahmadinejad: They kill women and children, young and old. And, behind closed doors, they make plans for the advancement of their evil goals.

Mark: Thanks again!

All in all, I thought the interview went pretty well. He smelled kind of funny and he was a bit smug at times. He actually took with him all my Miller Lite. I thought that was a little rude. But he was my guest, so I let it slide.

Thanks again to all my staff! You guys and gals are just the best!

4 comments:

Josiah said...

1. The president of Iran (I'm not going to waste my time trying to spell his name), does he actually smoke? Tobacco has never been specifically discouraged in Islam code, but a large amount of the more orthodox Muslims have begun to frown on it.

2. We know the guy is an asshole. What's your point?

Stephen said...

I don't get it.

Mark said...

I just reported my interview with him. No point, just the facts.

Stephen said...

Forgive my presumption, but I have a difficult time suspending disbelief on this one.