My Interview with Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

A special Thank you to all my staff for making this interview possible on such short notice. I know I can be difficult at times, but you all made this possible and I thank you.

Date 11-13-06 8:30pm EST.

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad enters the room and sits down across from me. We are at my home residence just 77 miles outside of Washington DC.

Mark: Welcome Mr. President, do I call you Mr. President or should I call you something else?

Ahmadinejad: What is that I smell? are you cooking here?

Mark: Ahh, I am not sure, 'hey honey! are you cooking something in the kitchen?"

inaduible screams from my wife. I think she said "what?!".

Ahmadinejad: Your house is very nice. Do all American live like this?

Mark: Humm, Man , I hope not! We are pretty ordinary folks Mr. President. But were pretty happy with what we have.

Ahmadinejad: So, why do you Americans and the Bush Devil hate my country so much?

Mark: You have said that Israel no longer had any reason to exist and would soon disappear. Your exact words, and I quote 'This regime, thanks to God, has lost the reason for its existence.'

Ahmadinejad: Is that a picture of Dolly Parton on your wall?

Mark: ahh, No. You also called Israeli leaders a "group of terrorists" . Why?

Ahmadinejad: I believe Dolly Parton's breast are an act of revenge against her husband! The whole world knows that the U.S. and Britain are enemies of the Iranian nation!

Mark: ok, but what about..

Ahmadinejad: No woman should bare her breasts in that manner! ever! Where did you get that picture? Please tell me where I may find one.

Mark: What picture?

Ahmadinejad: Do you mind if I smoke?

Mark: Well, I would prefer you didn't, maybe we could..

Ahmadinejad: Thank you.

Mark: ok, I guess you can smoke. You have said the Nazis' slaughter of 6 million Jews during World War II was a myth, and that Israel should be wiped off the map or moved to Germany or the United States. Do you really believe this?

Ahmadinejad: Tell me, where would a man like me meet someone like Britany Spears? Near here? I could make her happy woman, like no other man could.

Mark: Well then, ok. I suppose Hollywood.

Ahmadinejad: The Zionists and their protectors are the most detested people in all of humanity, and the hatred is increasing every day!

Mark: Who? people in Hollywood?

Ahmadinejad: The worse their crimes, the quicker they will fall!

Mark: What are we talking about here?

Ahmadinejad: I believe the German people are prisoners of the Holocaust. More than 60 million were killed in World War II . . . The question is: Why is it that only the Jews are at the center of attention

Mark: are you kidding me?

Ahmadinejad: Do you know Britney Spears?

Mark: no, not personally. Can we..

Ahmadinejad: Although the main solution is for the elimination of the Zionist regime, at this stage an immediate cease-fire must be implemented!

Mark: Alrighty then. Thank you for your time. I appreciate it.

Ahmadinejad: Can I have a Coke a Cola?

Mark: I have beer. Would you like a beer?

Ahmadinejad: the most detested people in all humanity

Mark: Who me? or the beer?

Ahmadinejad: They kill women and children, young and old. And, behind closed doors, they make plans for the advancement of their evil goals.

Mark: Thanks again!

All in all, I thought the interview went pretty well. He smelled kind of funny and he was a bit smug at times. He actually took with him all my Miller Lite. I thought that was a little rude. But he was my guest, so I let it slide.

Thanks again to all my staff! You guys and gals are just the best!